Weapons of Mass Destruction

So....I should warn you now. I am an over-sharer. No, really...I mean you will hear things about me that you never wanted to know! If you are at all squeamish or loathe hearing about things like bodily functions then you may want prepare yourself before you continue reading this blog.

This is one of THOSE posts.

You discover new things every day when you are expecting for the first time. I'm sure to those of you who have a few kidlets under your wing, none of this is new. But there are certain things nobody thinks to share with you before you get pregnant. I mean, we had no idea that the missing Bush/Cheney "Weapons of Mass Destruction" were never found because they had taken up residence in my butt!

Now, I'm not talking about those 7:00pm Thanksgiving day farts. You know those...don't lie. I know you do. The ones where you've had 5 of your cousin's deviled eggs before you went back for seconds and thirds and you now have to walk from room to room crop dusting away hoping that the stench will dissipate enough that you won't be fingered as the culprit. Nope. Not those.

No. I'm talking about something that is quite possibly alive; sort of an Alien vs Predator thing, but inside your butt. They show up just before bed, right when you are getting all comfortable and climbing into the sack to snuggle up with your honey and then...whoops! Out squeeks this innocent little toot, without a sound and then it balloons into a mushroom cloud of the thickest, greasiest, foulest smelling fog that has ever existed! This is not a smell that occurs in nature anywhere. It's not rotten eggs. It's not 3 day old McDonalds. It's not even that smell that comes out of your cat's butt when she farts and wakes herself up and you go running for the door. Noooooo, this is a smell that clings to everything it touches, it doesn't go away, it just hovers in the air, clings to the blankets, your clothes, the walls, even the inside of your nasal passages!

Now, it takes a lot to gross out Willie but when I saw him running full tilt for the door with his hand over his mouth and his eyes watering, I felt a pretty darn big sense of accomplishment!

We now have a warning system in place and even though it takes a lot these days for me to get heft myself out of bed, even I know there are some things a marriage can survive and some things it cannot. And I really don't want to tell a therapist that I ruined my perfect marriage because of a "WMD" fart.

-b